Finding back my voice

Today I woke up at 5 am. Without my alarm clock, before my cats started meowing, before the sun really came up. I just woke up, feeling that finally my head is clear. This has not happened for over a year. So I got out of bed, took a hot shower, made myself a coffee, and here I am in front of my computer, while most of my neighbours are still sleeping. I did not open my email or social media, I did not check the news first, because today I know what I want to write.

This past year has been intense for many and most of us, maybe even for all of us. Many people went through terrible things, losing their loved ones, their own health, their jobs and financial stability. Nothing so terribly terrible has happened to me, but it has been one of the hardest years in my grown life. I have struggled and still am. I felt that I just don’t know the answers, that I don’t have it together and that I have no idea what I am doing. That made me question myself even further, how can I feel so lost if I have no good reason to feel this way. So many people are going through such tough times, and I should not complain. But, the truth is that all the little things together created something big for me, something that made me question myself. This is why in this past year I have lost my voice and pulled away from social media and from my blog.

The reason that I stopped sharing is because I thought that if I have no idea what I am doing, if I am struggling with my own anxiety, then what can I share that is worthy? I would write down ideas for my blog and then ask myself, but why am I sharing this? What can this bring to anyone reading it? How can I share anything at all, if I myself, feel lost.

These past few months I started observing my own tendencies on social media. Why do I follow someone and want to hear them. Who do I not want to follow and why. I feel that there are so many people who only show the world their perfect side, only have that perfect photo and super inspiring post about their food, their yoga practice, their life. I look at these people and I wonder who they really are, what stresses them out, what are they afraid of while hiding behind this illusion of perfection. I slowly started unfollowing accounts like this, as I felt that they don’t bring anything to my life. The people that I watch and want to hear are the ones who tell their true stories. The ones who share their real struggles, without just “positive vibes only”. I asked myself what is it about these real people that makes me want to hear them, that makes me turn on their stories or read their newest blog post? I think that when we show our real face, what is in our hearts, then it helps others feel more okay with themselves. We are all imperfect; we all struggle; we are all only human.

And so here I am today, feeling that I have my answer, hoping that I have finally found my voice again. For so long I have felt that I cannot share, because I don’t have the answers. But maybe that is the reason to speak, because who does, really? I hope to be back in this space more often with what is hard for me, with what inspires me, with what makes me want to wake up at 5 am. And I hope you will want to hear me.